Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
