How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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