my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
