Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
