I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
