If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize