so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
