so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
