I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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