Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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