last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
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