its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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