Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
