Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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