Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
