On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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