Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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