On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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