i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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