we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
