sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
