This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
