Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
