if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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