so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
