White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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