So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
