so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
