I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
