I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
