If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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