Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
