Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
