Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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