1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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