I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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