Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Farmville is her only friend.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
