I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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