Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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