??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
