Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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