oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
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