remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
