oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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