Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
