I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
