You're completely useless in the revolution.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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