I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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