I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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