i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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