She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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