i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
