why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
