Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
