Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
