walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
