im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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