You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
