My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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