My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
