She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
This is not my ceiling
I am puke
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
