Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
