You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
